Resolve

I am currently working out of town, and Nancy is with me.  We decided it would be easier on all of us if she had a babysitter a few hours a day here than a full-time nanny back home.  And, for the most part, that is the case.  But it is difficult.  I am living the life of a single mom with an exhausting job, and Nancy doesn't have regular contact with other kids.  When I have time away from her, it's at work, and when she has time away from me, it's with the babysitter.  So we both struggle in our own ways with being depressed and trying to make the best of our situation.  After all, even when you are doing the right thing, or making the best possible choice, it doesn't result in perfection.  On the positive side, our time in this temporary home is affording us the chance to see new places, enjoy new experiences, and delve into brand new learning opportunities... like tonight's.

Nancy and I were at the table together before the babysitter arrived, and she says to me: 

"Mommy, sometimes, Erica and I argue." 

"How do you mean?"

"Well, sometimes she doesn't listen to me. So we argue."

"What have you argued about?"

"Well, I told-ed her it was okay for me to skip bath.  But she said I had to take a bath.  And that made me mad."

This is the first I am hearing about any of this.  I come home every night to a clean, sleeping child, an apartment that's still in one piece, and a babysitter with a smile on her a face who says "See you tomorrow," so I assume everything is fine...  I start to develop theories about why we're suddenly having this conversation.  First of all, I know my working nights is hard on her and she's five, so she is likely inventing reasons to be dissatisfied with her sitter in an attempt to keep me at home.  Secondly, my folks and her dad were just here for her birthday, so she had three nights in a row of being with, and being put to bed by, family.  Nobody competes with that.  So I have the feeling that this is an isolated incident, and Nancy's perspective of this incident is different from the babysitter's.  Still, I don't want to discount Nancy's feelings.  And this is a good chance to explore some conflict resolution.  So I continue the conversation:

"Have you told Miss Erica how you feel?"

"No..."

"Because, here's the thing, Nance.  Mommy has Miss Erica here to take care of you while I'm at work, and she is in charge.  So what she says goes.  And you are to treat her with respect.  But if you feel something because of something she did or said, you can tell her how you feel."

"She wasn't listening to me."

"Okay. But remember, just because you SAY something, doesn't mean it's going to happen..."

"And we argue." 

"Well, sometimes, arguments happen because of misunderstandings, and that's what sounds like happened.  If you knew it was okay to skip to bath, but she didn't know it was okay, it was just a misunderstanding."

Erica arrives right on time, and we exchange pleasantries and tell her about our Mother's Day adventures.  And then Nancy says, "When Mommy comes home for dinner, we all need to have a talk."

{silence}

Erica: "Okay..."

Nancy: "Because, sometimes, we argue."

Erica: "We do?"

Me: "Okay, Nancy, we..."

Nancy: "Yes."

Erica: (looking at me nervously) "I thought we were doing fine..."

Me: "Everything's fine!  I'm encouraging her to communicate her thoughts and feelings.  So, Nancy, we can all three have a talk when I come home for dinner if you want, that would be fine..."

Nancy: "Okay."

Erica: "...okay."

I leave Nancy and our shell-shocked babysitter and head off to work.  When I come back on my dinner break, the two of them are snuggled on the couch watching the movie Hairspray.  Erica had brought supplies for a mani-pedi, and Nancy is now sporting sparkly polish on her fingers and toes.  Nancy and I dance to the final song while dinner is in the oven, and we set the table, and we plate our supper, and sit down.  And a few bites in, Nancy says, "Soooo...  we need to talk."

Erica: "Okay..." 

Nancy: "Sometimes, when you don't listen to me, and we argue, it makes me feel mad."

Erica: "I know, you said that before.  When have we argued?"

Me: "Nancy mentioned a night when she told you she could skip bath but you said she needed to take one."

Erica: "Oh, yeah.  That did happen."

Nancy: "I told-ed you I could skip bath but you said I had to take a bath and I was mad and I threw a little fit and then I took a bath."

Me: "She threw a fit?"

Erica: "A tiny one.  I've dealt with way worse.  And she took a bath and that was the end of it..."

Nancy: "My mommy says sometimes people argue because of misunderstandings."

Erica: "Yes, that's true.
Me: "And, Nancy, remember I said Erica is here to take care of you when I'm at work.  And taking a bath is part of getting ready for bed.  So if I told you it was okay to skip bath, but I forgot to tell Erica, that is my fault for not communicating, and I apologize to both of you."

Nancy: "Okay.  Mommy, you pretend you are Nancy, and Erica, you pretend that you are Nancy's babysitter, and Nancy tell Erica how you feel."

Me: (did she seriously just set up a role play??) "Honey, we don't need to do that, I think we've talked and have resolved our situation.  If you have something come up in the future, Miss Erica can text me for clarification, and if I can't respond at that moment, whatever she says, goes.  Because she's in charge.  And you are always welcome to tell us how you are feeling."

Nancy: "Okay.  I will.  Thanks, Mom."

Me: "And, Nance.  You know what?  You are learning skills that some grown-ups haven't mastered, for when you need to resolve something."

Erica: "Yeah, you could teach some of my friends some stuff."

Nancy: "Is it okay if I skip bath tonight?"

Me: "Yes.  You may skip bath tonight."

We spent the rest of our dinner conversation discussing fancy words to replace vague feelings descriptors - I said "mad" was not very specific.  "Frustrated" and "Exasperated" were offered as alternatives. Later that night, with Nancy in bed, I thanked Erica for her participation in this exercise.  I felt very strongly that Nancy's feelings should be treated as valid, no matter what is going on in her world to originate them.  But she needs to learn that the key to a resolve is communication.  I gave Erica my theories for what caused this sudden need to revisit that bath time incident, and reassured Erica that if things like that continued, I would address it in another manner.  But for now...

Me: "I am raising a pretty amazing little human."

Erica: "Yes, you are."